Monday, April 21, 2008

Master, the Tempest is Raging...

Imagine that you are in a boat out in the open sea. A sudden storm arises, the boat fills with water, the waves are tossing the boat, and you are terrified that you will be thrown into the depths of the sea, and find yourself in a watery grave before morning. Jesus' disciples found themselves in this exact predicament, and it is recorded in Mark 4. We read:

37 And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full. 
  38 And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish? 
  39 And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. 
  40 And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith? 

I don't imagine that in most of our lifetimes we will find ourselves in a literal boat with the Savior, begging him to awake and to calm the storm, but I'd be willing to bet that most, if not all of us, can see the parallels between this and our own lives.

Let me share with you a story that Howard W. Hunter shared it in the October 1984 general conference. 
"Mary Ann Baker's beloved and only brother suffered from the same respiratory disease that had taken their parents’ lives, and he left their home in Chicago to find a warmer climate in the southern part of the United States. 
For a time he seemed to be improving, but then a sudden turn in his health came and he died almost immediately. Mary Ann and her sister were heartbroken. It only added to their deep grief that neither their own health nor their personal finances allowed them to claim their brother’s body or to finance its return to Chicago for burial. 
The Baker family had been raised as faithful Christians, but Mary’s trust in a loving God broke under the strain of her brother’s death and her own diminished circumstances. “God does not care for me or mine,” said Mary Ann. “This particular manifestation of what they call ‘divine providence’ is unworthy of a God of love.” ...
“I have always tried to believe on Christ and give the Master a consecrated life,” she said, “but this is more than I can bear. What have I done to deserve this? What have I left undone that God should wreak His vengeance upon me in this way?”

“Carest thou not that we perish?” was the cry of Mary Ann Baker. This comes from each of us at one time or another, as feebly we find ourselves on our knees calling out to the Lord in our own way. We experience the pains of life, disappointments, failures, struggles and stresses, death and sorrow, and at times find ourselves feeling completely alone, and sometimes feeling that even the Lord has turned away, and would not care if we were to meet our destruction. When we feel this way, it is helpful to turn to the words of the Savior, “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” 

The Savior asked his disciples, “How is it that ye have no faith?” We might ask ourselves the same question. 

Howard W. Hunter said:

None of us would like to think we have no faith, but I suppose the Lord’s gentle rebuke here is largely deserved. This great Jehovah, in whom we say we trust and whose name we have taken upon us, is he who said, “Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.” (Gen. 1:6.) And he is also the one who said, “Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear.” (Gen. 1:9.) Furthermore, it was he who parted the Red Sea, allowing the Israelites to pass through on dry ground. (See Ex. 14:21–22.) Certainly it should be no surprise that he could command a few elements acting up on the Sea of Galilee. And our faith should remind us that he can calm the troubled waters of our lives."

Easier said than done, right? Probably. For all of us, the days of darkness are very real. The threat of destruction is tangible, and we need to learn to trust in the Lord as He has taken our pains upon Himself. 
Alma 7:11-12 reads:

11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. 
  12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

How wonderful it is to know that Christ was willing to suffer these pains for each of us! As we learn to recognize that Christ has done these things so as to help us as we struggle, we will begin to feel the storms of life dispersing, and the seas will begin to be still. 

I have struggled throughout my life with migraine headaches. These headaches often leave me unable to function, as they affect my vision and my balance among other things. Often the headaches progress to a point where I feel like I can bear no more. One night, my headache met up with its emotional equal, and not only was I feeling pain and dizziness, but also loneliness and inadequacy. I didn't know what to do, or where to turn. I spent a good amount of time kneeling in prayer, pleading and sobbing that the Lord would not leave me alone, and my phone rang. A dear friend on the other side of the country suggested that if I felt it would profit me, I should ask for a blessing. I agreed that this would be a good idea. A priesthood holder from my ward came over, and before the blessing, asked me to tell him a little bit about what was going on. I told him that I'd been struggling with migraines, and that I needed a blessing. I didn't mention the other struggles, mostly because of pride. As part of the blessing, I was assured that I was not alone, and all of my concerns were addressed as if they had been presented to the Lord in list form. The pain in my head did not subside, but the anguish of spirit ceased, and I slept for the first time in days. That night, I understood the power in the Savior's words, “Peace, be still,” because I felt the stillness within myself. 

Remember Mary Ann Baker? The storms in her life began to subside as well, and as her immortal testimony, she wrote these words, 


Master, the terror is over. 
The elements sweetly rest. 
Earth’s sun in the calm lake is mirrored, 
And heaven’s within my breast. 
Linger, Oh, blessed Redeemer! 
Leave me alone no more, 
And with joy I shall make the blest harbor 
And rest on the blissful shore. 
The winds and the waves shall obey my will; 
Peace, be still! Peace, be still! 
I add my testimony to that of Mary Ann. I know that the Lord can calm the stormy seas in our lives. I have seen it happen. I know that God lives, and that He loves each and every one of us.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Dear Saturday,


Dear General Conference,

Once again, you have changed my life. Everything feels more peaceful and calm, and I once again remember that everything is okay.  Thank you for everything you are, for being broadcast in my own home, and for coming on such a beautiful weekend.  I hope you didn't mind that we spent the two hour break away from you...lounging on a blanket at the park.  We were just hoping to soak it all in.  The weather, the Spirit, the wonderful things that we have.  What a blessing. :)  


I know you'd like to think that it's just you, but the thing is....everything else included, I am feeling like the luckiest and happiest girl in the whole wide world.  As always, one of my favorite times of the year.  Thank you.


Love,

Adrienne


PS.  In case you haven't met him yet, this is that guy I keep talking about...


Friday, April 4, 2008

Dear Curves,

I love you.  That's all I can say.  I love you more than words can express.  I don't know if you're effective, I don't know if they ever clean the machines, but what I do know is that I am deeply and madly in love with you.  I love that my workout is planned for me.  I love that I'm not going to run into ultra-obnoxious men going there, I know that nobody is going to judge me if I look stupid using that machine.  I love that there are bulletin boards decorated with colorful paper.  You have won my heart, and hopefully, all of the fat around my midsection. 


I've been working on getting in shape for quite some time, and when I peaked at 230 lbs. a couple of years ago, I knew that something had to change.  

That's a lie.  Complete and total lie.

When I weighed 230, I thought I was the hottest thing that had ever walked the earth.

When I dropped 30 lbs, had to buy new clothes, and realized that I felt cute in a size 16...that was when I knew something had to change.  Did I change?  Well...I did tae-bo for a week.  That was about it.  I lost 10 lbs. that week, and it stayed off.  I kept losing, and kept losing, and wasn't trying hard at all.  I joined a gym, and went because I felt like it.  I dropped to a size 8 for the first time in my life.   Well, back in my comfortable size 12...I think that I shouldn't be just sitting idly by and watching myself get fatter.   So Curves, I have come to you.  Please help me!

You have promised me results.  I can't wait to see them.  Now I just have to get motivated to come visit you.  


Can I get down to a size 6?

I'd like to be back into my baggy 10 by May 1.  That's my goal.  Help me Curves!

Love,
Adrienne

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Dear Spoiled Mother of Four,

I don't want to work for you anymore.  I don't like the environment in your home, I don't like the way I'm expected to be the maid, I don't like being bossed around by seven-year-olds, and I don't particularly like the food you make.  I think I'd rather work a 9-5 sitting behind a desk, bored to tears, wanting to rip my eyeballs out from looking at a computer screen for so long, and getting home for dinner on time.  


I used to like you, or so I thought.  Then I discovered that I'd rather not be treated like a maid and a nanny all rolled into one.  You don't pay me enough for that.  Would you like to make it $20/hour? Then I might be on board. 

I've begun applying for jobs at pre-schools in the area.  I think I have a shot, and my dad asked me to get a job where I could smile.  I think there's something to that.  

Please don't be offended, Spoiled Mother of Four, it's nothing personal, I just don't like you anymore.

Sincerely,
Adrienne

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Dear Basement,

I'm not happy with the way you've been behaving lately.  The truth is, some places would be glad to see seven inches of rain...and maybe you were, but you certainly didn't show it well.  It was highly inconsiderate of you to leak in every single room.  If I did that, people would not be happy with me!  


Thanks for helping us see that we have way too much junk.  I guess we needed that.  Maybe we could have a garage sale, get rid of all the crap.  

You've been so kind to me for so long, I guess I couldn't expect ten years without so much as a drip.  I've been fiercely angry with you for the last couple of days, but now, I think I'm coming around...don't be mad when I put my carpet back in, and try to set up a bed...it's just that Ethan and me BOTH sleeping in the living room is terribly tragic.  His alarm DOES go off 5 times in the morning.  As in there are 5 DIFFERENT alarms.  Yeah.  So I haven't had a whole night's sleep.  I guess what I'm saying is, I miss you, Basement, the way that you were.  

Love,
Adrienne

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Dear Fairfield,



I'm home.  Did I neglect to mention that before?  Well, I am.  And I really REALLY have taken up blogging, because I'm attending the family ward here, and it seems that that's the way to be cool in the ward.   I'm aware that I'm 21 and not married.  Do you think this is going to stop me? NO! You see, I'm doing what's the best thing for me right now, but I'd really like to have some friends here. I've never been in a family ward Relief Society before.  

I've also noticed, dear Fairfield, that you've hardly changed.  When I got back, I almost instantly felt that I was in high school again.  Am I sad about that?  No...I still love you just as much as I always have...most of the time.  The thing I'm concerned about though, is that your drama hasn't changed either.  I'm fortunate enough to have a brother, you may have met him...he's been around for 18 years... and so I get to hear the drama that comes from the hallowed walls of FHS.  Well, the thing is...the drama included, it feels more like home than ever before.  

Now there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about.  This weather just isn't working for me.  I understand that you're trying your best to make everyone happy, but the truth is, I think you're going a little overboard to please those on the extremes...I mean blizzard? Honestly.  That was uncalled for.  Thanks for balancing it out with days of rain.  I appreciate that more than you know.  Could we please see the sun? Please?
Well, if you could arrange it, I'm sure I wouldn't mind.  Thanks for being consistent and comfortable.  I've missed you, and I'm glad to be back.

Thank you Fairfield, for being you.

Love,
Adrienne

Monday, March 10, 2008

100 things about me.

1. I try to pretend I don't like writing in a Blog.
2. I have three blogs.
3. I don't write in my regular journal as much as I wish I did.
4. Sometimes I don't feel like the things that are going on in my life are important enough to write down.
5. Sometimes I realize that the most important things that have ever happened in my life are happening right now.
6. I love my life.
7. That doesn't mean it's easy.
8. I have a love/hate relationship with my job.
9. I'm a nanny...and have been for the last few years.
10. The first time I took a nanny job, my dad was really mad at me.
11. He bragged about that same job to a neighbor 2 days ago.
12. 2 days ago was the first time I ever remember being in a blizzard warning.
13. I used to love snow more than anything.
14. Now I can't wait for Summer.
15. I used to hate Summer.
16. Then I lost 65 lbs.
17. Now I don't feel like the fattest girl at the pool.
18. Now I love the pool.
19. So I love the Summer.
20. I can't wait to get a new bathing suit.
21. I need to get in shape...Spring is still coming, even though we got a foot of snow...
22. I hate dieting.
23. I love losing weight.
24. I always feel bad about myself when I notice that I'm gaining weight.
25. I have a hard time getting motivated to do things sometimes.
26. My room is a wreck, but I still haven't cleaned it.
27. I have more clothes than any person should have.
28. I don't wear most of them.
29. I also have more shoes than I should.
30. I love shoes.
31. I never feel fat while buying shoes.
32. I used to be afraid to wear heels because I felt like a monster.
33. Now I don't feel like a monster.
34. Sometimes I actually feel beautiful.
35. Mostly when my hair is straight.
36. My hair is naturally curly.
37. Sometimes I love my curls, but I feel like people don't take me seriously if my hair is curly.
38. Maybe because I look like Curly Sue.
39. I had a girl scout leader named Sue.
40. I was a girl scout for years, but never sold cookies by myself.
41. I did sell cookies outside a bank with my troop members.
42. Very few girls I've been friends with since before middle school were outside of the GS troop.
43. I always wish I hadn't quit girl scouts when I did.
44. There are lots of things I wish I'd never quit.
45. I quit dance after years.
46. I also quit piano.
47. I am a little talented at a lot of things.
48. I've always wished I was very talented at something.
49. The only thing I've found is loving children.
50. I can't wait to have kids of my own.
51. I'm terrified of growing up.
52. I don't want to be treated like a child.
53. I moved back into my parents' house.
54. Sometimes I feel like I child
55. Sometimes I act like a child.
56. and sometimes...I like it.
57. I have a boyfriend.
58. He acts like a child with me.
59. That's the most fun part of our relationship.
60. We went to elementary school together.
61. We went back to said elementary school, and he pushed me on the swings.
62. With him, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
63. And I believe that I really am.
64. I'm also lucky to have such a great family.
65. Sometimes I forget to look at my parents as real people.
66. When I realize they are, I love them even more than before.
67. My sister has always been a mom to me.
68. I don't thank her enough for that.
69. I trust her more than any other girl in the world.
70. I secretly think that most babies are ugly when they're born.
71. Not my nieces.
72. I rarely get enough sleep.
73. This is not because I have important things to be doing.
74. Some of the best conversations in my life have happened at 4 AM.
75. I wouldn't trade my "conversations" for the world.
76. I love talking to people.
77. Sometimes I consider this a talent.
78. Sometimes I don't think I have any talents at all.
79. ...and I wish I wasn't insecure.
80. I am insecure.
81. I used to get made fun of.
82. That doesn't happen anymore.
83. At least not that I know of.
84. People started treating me differently when I lost weight.
85. I noticed it.
86. I liked it for a while.
87. Then I wasn't sure if anyone knew who I really was.
88. Then I wasn't sure if I really knew who I was.
89. I didn't start trying to figure out what it meant to be me until college.
90. I am currently a college drop-out.
91. I'm not embarrassed about that.
92. I hate sitting in classrooms.
93. I've always wanted to do hair.
94. But I've always wanted to change the world.
95. I haven't figured out how to.
96. I have a passion for American Sign Language.
97. This has not helped me accomplish anything worthwhile.
98. I'm proud of myself.
99. Sometimes I feel like I'm really weak.
100. But the thing is... I feel strong.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Useless.

The worst feeling in the whole wide world is to feel useless. Like nothing you could do would make a difference.

When someone you love works for years trying to achieve something, and then doesn't...and they're hurting, and you're frustrated...because you're useless.

When you're miles away from someone that you want to be able to console...and you can't. You're useless.


It's terrifying sometimes living more than a thousand miles away from all of the people that mean the most to me in my life. The distance makes it so difficult to feel helpful or worthwhile sometimes. Once again, useless.









...and then I find myself wondering what I'm really doing with my life. What are my goals? What am I becoming? Well, I'm not really sure...so once again, I feel useless. Awesome.






The truth is, I'm tired. I'm burnt out. I don't like Build-a-bear anymore, as a manager I barely get to play with the kids. I have two wisdom teeth coming in, and not only do they hurt in my mouth, but I constantly have a headache. I have no idea what I'm doing...and I just need a hug. Awesome.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Junk food, Candy canes and love.

So this isn't a new year's resolution...in fact, it's far from it. I don't make those.

I'm going to stop eating so much junk food. Why? Because I just got back to Provo, and realized that I've eaten nothing but crap for the last three weeks...and that is nauseating. So I'll stop eating junk as soon as I finish the little debbie holiday cake that is on my coffee table.

I just finished the most bizarre vacation of my entire life. I probably made some people mad, but I was doing what I felt was best for me. Selfish? Yes. But hey...that's part of being human...! Not to worry, I'm sure that I'll be back soon. Positive, really. Not a lot tying me down in Provo right now since I'm not doing the BYU thing right now. My job is great, but I'm sure there are better things out there. We'll see what happens. It's a big decision to make.

Caution: You are about to enter the heart of what is really on my mind. If you don't want to know, then stop reading now.

All my life, or at least all of my life that I can remember, I have struggled with feeling that I am good enough. I've always been second best. I didn't make Rhythm Express the first time. I didn't make Wind Ensemble. Didn't make Choraliers the first time. Never had a lead in a musical. Was second best and walked all over in high school relationships. I always felt like there was something or someone that was better than me, whether in school, relationships, or family.

Not anymore. Granted, I know I'll never be perfect...but still...I finally, and for the first time in my life, feel like I am important. This has been a process. I had to spend some time in serious introspection. I had to spend countless nights crying and praying that I would be able to recognize my worth and potential. I'm not all the way there, but slowly, it's happening. I am starting to see that it doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks.

Then...something magical happened. As I worked to become a better version of myself, someone wonderful inched his way into my life...and now...I don't feel second best. Maybe it's because I like me now. Maybe it's because he likes me...or maybe it's just because life is wonderful and I've been very blessed. Whatever the reason is, I like it. A lot.