Sunday, January 6, 2008

Junk food, Candy canes and love.

So this isn't a new year's fact, it's far from it. I don't make those.

I'm going to stop eating so much junk food. Why? Because I just got back to Provo, and realized that I've eaten nothing but crap for the last three weeks...and that is nauseating. So I'll stop eating junk as soon as I finish the little debbie holiday cake that is on my coffee table.

I just finished the most bizarre vacation of my entire life. I probably made some people mad, but I was doing what I felt was best for me. Selfish? Yes. But hey...that's part of being human...! Not to worry, I'm sure that I'll be back soon. Positive, really. Not a lot tying me down in Provo right now since I'm not doing the BYU thing right now. My job is great, but I'm sure there are better things out there. We'll see what happens. It's a big decision to make.

Caution: You are about to enter the heart of what is really on my mind. If you don't want to know, then stop reading now.

All my life, or at least all of my life that I can remember, I have struggled with feeling that I am good enough. I've always been second best. I didn't make Rhythm Express the first time. I didn't make Wind Ensemble. Didn't make Choraliers the first time. Never had a lead in a musical. Was second best and walked all over in high school relationships. I always felt like there was something or someone that was better than me, whether in school, relationships, or family.

Not anymore. Granted, I know I'll never be perfect...but still...I finally, and for the first time in my life, feel like I am important. This has been a process. I had to spend some time in serious introspection. I had to spend countless nights crying and praying that I would be able to recognize my worth and potential. I'm not all the way there, but slowly, it's happening. I am starting to see that it doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks.

Then...something magical happened. As I worked to become a better version of myself, someone wonderful inched his way into my life...and now...I don't feel second best. Maybe it's because I like me now. Maybe it's because he likes me...or maybe it's just because life is wonderful and I've been very blessed. Whatever the reason is, I like it. A lot.


Mama D said...

Hooray for realizing you are not (and never have been, despite appearances) second best! I'm proud of you for continually trying and not giving up on yourself.

So, who's the lucky guy?

Sarah said...

Crap, I'm not the first to comment on your post! (hee hee!) I personally know "the lucky guy" and he seems ok. It's hard to be away isn't it!? How long do you have to work there until you can transfer somewhere out here and keep benefits and everything? It's worth thinking about :)

Papa D said...

Congrats; seriously. What you described is a great foundation; I hope it remains steady for you.