What's on my heart.

I haven't written a quality blog post in quite some time, and I figure since I'm home sick from church today, I could stand to get my thoughts out.

First, my everyday heroes...volume two:

She's 4, and her name is Olivia. Olivia is one of the most beautiful inspiring people I have ever met. In the scriptures, we read that we should become as a child, "Submissive, meek, humble, patient..." and she's the most pure example of that that I think I have ever met. With a spirit that shines through her big smiling eyes, and a kindness that I have rarely seen matched, Olivia teaches me that there's a purity that we can still have, even in this horribly dreary world. When I start to think that there's not any peace left in this life, she smiles really big and tells me a story, and suddenly there's nothing left in the world to harm me.

(I really hope her mom won't mind when someday I have a daughter named after her!)

I've decided to make it my personal goal to make my prayers more meaningful, and thought I'd share some of my ideas here.

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe that our Heavenly Father has a body, and that he loves us. As a result of this belief that we are somewhat like Him, I feel like it is more possible to approach Him. Sometimes I feel like my prayers won't extend beyond the ceiling, and that I'm stuck here.

Perhaps it's because I won't let Him in.

So I've started thinking, how much more meaningful would my prayers be if I could picture Him smiling as I approach him; his eyes wrinkling into a grin? How much more connected to my Father could I feel, if I knew His forehead was creasing in concern as I pour out my sorrows? I'm not the most spiritual person in the world, but what if I could curl up in His lap, and feel his arms pulling me in tightly as I counsel with him about the issues that I face from day to day? I'd love to see His eyes brighten as He realizes I've finally grasped a concept that He's been hoping I would learn.

Just a thought, I guess. I'll keep working on it. What do you do to make your prayers more meaningful?

Something that made my day today...

So, today has been difficult for me, if I'm being completely honest. But...I know it's all for the best. Anyway...This made my day. I was literally grinning from ear to ear as I watched it. I hope you enjoy it too. :)

Diary of a fat girl: Day 3

Haven't weighed in yet, that's tomorrow...but I'm really REALLY proud of myself for getting up at 6 this morning to go to the gym before getting ready and heading to Florence to open the store. Yikes!

My workout machine of choice is the eliptical trainer, because it doesn't hurt my ankles or knees, and I still feel like I'm working out. Christopher does the treadmill, but I hate how out of shape I feel when I do that. SO...

The first time I used the eliptical, I did 3000 strides. I PUSHED to get there.
The second time, I did 3500, and was REALLY proud of myself for getting there.
Today my goal was 4,000 in my 30 minutes, and I got to 4,200! Okay...I know that's not a HUGE accomplishment, but hey...it's progress!

I'm trying not to be TOO mad at myself that it's Thursday, and the first time I've been to the gym!

In other news, on Saturday (Valentine's day) Christopher and I went to Smith Jewelers and found MY WEDDING BAND! It's BEAUTIFUL! And just so happened to be 50% off! I'm so excited! Now, if only he would decide what he likes so we could buy his...

Oh yeah...and I'm getting married in 99 days. :-D Hallelujah!

Diary of a fat girl: day 1

I'm watching a show on TV right now called "Fat Free Fiances" and I'm actually REALLY enjoying it.



I've decided that it's time. Time for me to be honest with the world, set my goals, and get them out there. Time for me to make a change. (Says the girl sitting on the couch eating an ice cream sandwich and already being grumpy about going to the gym tonight...)

So...you may have noticed my weight loss ticker at the top of the page. I weighed in at 201 lbs. on February 6. On February 13, I weighed 195. Progress, right? Well, it was Valentine's day, so I ate a whole bunch of junk!

Anyway...I'm going to be honest about my weight for the first time in a very long time. I'm definitely not the heaviest I've ever been, but I'm not happy with the weight I am now. so...here I go. I'm asking for your help, for your motivation...

My goal is to lose 31 lbs. by the wedding...on May 29. I'll let you know what happens when I weigh in on Friday!

Two things that make me happy

This video has made my life better on countless occasions. I love it with all my heart and soul.

I also love this place:
These things both bring me into a good mood no matter what. :)

products I'd rather not live without

Dead Sea Salt Scrub.

This product is ridiculously expensive, and not for the faint of heart. It smooths those cracked heels, it softens even the roughest hands, and it brings a smile to my face. I'd rather not live without it.

Bunny Big Ears. Mine is named "Olivia" and Christopher bought her for me because she was being retired. I sleep with her every night...(Until I get married...hopefully)

Revlon Diamond Grip Tweezers. I use these literally every day.


Nylabone. My precious. Without this beautiful invention, Charlie would chew through everything.
Ling Ling Potstickers. We eat these every Sunday at least. They're DELICIOUS.

Everyday Heroes Vol. 1

I've been thinking a lot recently about people in my life who I consider my heroes. Some of them are living, some of them are not. The thing is, it's the little things that people do that make them my heroes.




Number one: My dad.

On Saturday, I worked a very long shift at work. I was exhausted. I got off at eight, and was so badly looking forward to going home and eating the pizza that Christopher ordered for us. Well....my car wouldn't start. I called my dad, and asked what he thought, and then I was off to the gas station. The gas light had never come on, and I wasn't sure why the car wouldn't start. Well...I walked through the snow, and got back to my car...put the measly gallon in the tank, and it still wouldn't start. I called my dad again, this time, on the verge of tears. I said, "Dad...it still won't start." He got in the car and came to me. (Mind you, I was all the way out at Kenwood, which is 30 minutes from home on a good day) In the meantime, I walked back to the gas station and got more gas. Well, the second time, my car did start. I drove around the parking lot, but was still scared to make the drive. I called my dad for the third time and said, "Dad...it's running now...but I'm scared because I don't want to get stranded." He told me to drive over to the gas station, so drive, I did. He met me there a few minutes later, got out of the car, and told me to open the gas tank. I said, "Why?" He said, "Just do it." So I opened it up, and he got out his card to fill up my gas tank. (It was already full by this time, but that's beside the point) He told me that the roads were really icy, and promised to follow me home. I'm 22 years old, but my Daddy still comes to rescue me when I need it. Cool? I think so.

The truth is....

I was reading Sarie's blog...and I was secretly wishing she would tag me...

And she did!

3 things I was doing 10 years ago:
1. Having sleepovers with Jill and Nicole
2. Being in Concert Choir at the Middle School
3. Developing film in the darkroom at school

3 things on my to-do list today:
1. Take a shower
2. Go to the bank
3. Go to see MISSY HIGGINS!

3 things I love about my [fiance]:
1. He takes VERY GOOD care of me
2. He knows when to tell me that I'm being ridiculous
3. He reminds me that I'm a daughter of God and that it makes me very special :)

3 jobs I have had:
1. Build-a-Bear
2. Nanny
3. Preschool teacher

3 movies I have seen more than once:
1. The Holiday
2. Mormon Pride and Prejudice
3. John Tucker Must Die

3 places I have lived:
1. Fairfield, OH
2. Chandler, AZ
3. Provo, UT


3 places I have visited:
1. London
2. Paris
3. Tijuana

3 T.V. shows I watch:
1. House
2. Will & Grace
3. Friends

3 things you may not know about me:
1. I hate my bellybutton
2. I named my car Norma Jean
3. I love pizza, but it makes me very sick.

3 people I tag: My sister Sarah, L.Bales, Cait

The North Pole and The South Pole

I've been debating about whether or not I wanted to write this for some time. Clearly the decision has been made, and I've chosen to write. If you don't want to read the whole thing, don't. I don't even know how long it's going to be, seeing as once I get started, I may not stop. The subject line may be a bit deceiving. I'm not talking about Santa or penguins. I'm talking about....

*drumroll please*

Bipolar disorder.

"Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in a person’s mood, energy, and ability to function. Different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through, the symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide."
-National Institute of Mental Health

My life has been filled with unavoidable ups and downs. I don't usually mind them so much...I'm used to it. I've had some big things happen in my life. My mother passed away when I was six years old. My dad remarried quickly. My sister became a mom to me...and she left for college. I was overweight, awkward, and shy. I know you don't believe it...because I was overweight, awkward, and INCREDIBLY LOUD. That's my bipolar talking.

According to my dad...and this seems to make sense, people who are bipolar tend to be recognized by their manic modes. You all probably know me as bubbly, outgoing, smiling, happy, loud, rambunctious, and energetic.

What you don't see are the hours of crying, the sleepless nights, the endless fatigue. You don't see the times Christopher has to wait with me until I can calm down, the hours he's spent trying to convince me that everything will be okay, and that I'll pull out of the depression eventually.

So maybe the point of all of this is to convince you that Christopher is a saint. He is.

I've spent most of my life dealing with what I call "Trust issues." It means that I hold my guard up VERY well until I know how to trust someone. There are very few people that I have ever been able to trust completely. Christopher is one of them. Because I trust him completely, for better or for worse, he gets to see both sides.

We start out the evening just fine. I'm happy, he's happy, and we've both returned home from work. We laugh and play...we make dinner, turn on our favorite show, and build a fire.
...wait, what? I can't build the fire fast enough? Here it goes...and I'm gone.
suddenly the world is a miserable place. A place where I'm convinced that I don't do anything well enough, that everyone hates me, that nothing really matters. I try to hold on to myself for a few minutes, but we all know what's about to happen...


You get the picture. Nagasaki has just occurred in the family room. So he calms me down. He makes me drink some water. He waits until it's over. And then I'm fine again.

Luckily, because Christopher knew what was going on, he was able to discuss it with our family doctor when I went in for my initial visit. The verdict, you already know. Bipolar disorder.

So I take Prozac and Depkote. How does it feel to take an anti-psychotic? Ha...well, at least I'm not as psychotic while I'm taking it.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

- Plato

Lots of people struggle with things that nobody else ever knows they're struggling with. This is my battle. I don't tell you so that you'll feel sorry for me, I tell you so that maybe someday, somehow, you might feel like it's okay to be fighting a battle of your own. I have been fighting this for most of my life. I just recently started with the medication. The truth is, my greatest help came from

Alma chapter 7:

11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

13 Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.


I know it's hard. But even without the Prozac...there's an answer.

How blessed we are to have the atonement of Jesus Christ to make us strong! Christ experienced all of these things so that we can be succored.

I guess that's all for now. Just some food for thought.

Remember that time I was a chipmunk?

So...I have been tagged by my friend, and I am supposed to tell you seven odd things about myself. I'll tell them quickly, as I have already shared my unspectacular quirks.

1. I always peel the chocolate off of the outside of a ho-ho and eat it first. Then I unroll it and eat it.

2. I regularly end my sentences with the word, "Huh?"

3. I didn't know until fairly recently that the word piano has 3 syllables. Apparently I've been saying it wrong for years. Also...garage is not pronounced, "Grodge." Thought you should know.

4. I really enjoy changing my handwriting.

5. I love taking pictures of myself. I feel like it's more accurate than a mirror.

6. I hate the sound of metal silverware scraping the bottom of a plate or bowl that is not plastic. I endure it only for the last little bit of ice cream.

7. I don't necessarily think my clothes always have to match.



Now. On to the important stuff.

I'm getting married in darn near 6 months. Suddenly today I started FREAKING OUT about all of the work that still needs to be done. All help is welcome! Tips, ideas, manpower.... the list goes on!

Last week I was blessed with an infection around one of my wisdom teeth. It began as a nagging pain and a little bit of swelling, and as the week progressed, my face got bigger, the pain got more severe...and $166 later, I had a visit with an oral surgeon who told me I was infected and I was well on my way to recover with a mouth rinse, penicillin, and VICODIN. The Vicodin saved my life last week.

I have been promoted at build-a-bear. I'm now an associate store manager in three different stores, one of them happens to be the "Gapper" store in the Reds stadium. The others are Kenwood and Florence. :) Come visit!

This has been a huge blessing for me, because I have been struggling with this work thing for quite some time. Trying to figure out how things are going to work out. I've taken a little bit of a pay cut since I left the preschool, but I think that it will be for the best. I happen to love this job, and don't mind waking up and going to work. The preschool job left me wanting to stay in bed all day long.