The North Pole and The South Pole

I've been debating about whether or not I wanted to write this for some time. Clearly the decision has been made, and I've chosen to write. If you don't want to read the whole thing, don't. I don't even know how long it's going to be, seeing as once I get started, I may not stop. The subject line may be a bit deceiving. I'm not talking about Santa or penguins. I'm talking about....

*drumroll please*

Bipolar disorder.

"Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in a person’s mood, energy, and ability to function. Different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through, the symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide."
-National Institute of Mental Health

My life has been filled with unavoidable ups and downs. I don't usually mind them so much...I'm used to it. I've had some big things happen in my life. My mother passed away when I was six years old. My dad remarried quickly. My sister became a mom to me...and she left for college. I was overweight, awkward, and shy. I know you don't believe it...because I was overweight, awkward, and INCREDIBLY LOUD. That's my bipolar talking.

According to my dad...and this seems to make sense, people who are bipolar tend to be recognized by their manic modes. You all probably know me as bubbly, outgoing, smiling, happy, loud, rambunctious, and energetic.

What you don't see are the hours of crying, the sleepless nights, the endless fatigue. You don't see the times Christopher has to wait with me until I can calm down, the hours he's spent trying to convince me that everything will be okay, and that I'll pull out of the depression eventually.

So maybe the point of all of this is to convince you that Christopher is a saint. He is.

I've spent most of my life dealing with what I call "Trust issues." It means that I hold my guard up VERY well until I know how to trust someone. There are very few people that I have ever been able to trust completely. Christopher is one of them. Because I trust him completely, for better or for worse, he gets to see both sides.

We start out the evening just fine. I'm happy, he's happy, and we've both returned home from work. We laugh and play...we make dinner, turn on our favorite show, and build a fire.
...wait, what? I can't build the fire fast enough? Here it goes...and I'm gone.
suddenly the world is a miserable place. A place where I'm convinced that I don't do anything well enough, that everyone hates me, that nothing really matters. I try to hold on to myself for a few minutes, but we all know what's about to happen...


You get the picture. Nagasaki has just occurred in the family room. So he calms me down. He makes me drink some water. He waits until it's over. And then I'm fine again.

Luckily, because Christopher knew what was going on, he was able to discuss it with our family doctor when I went in for my initial visit. The verdict, you already know. Bipolar disorder.

So I take Prozac and Depkote. How does it feel to take an anti-psychotic? Ha...well, at least I'm not as psychotic while I'm taking it.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

- Plato

Lots of people struggle with things that nobody else ever knows they're struggling with. This is my battle. I don't tell you so that you'll feel sorry for me, I tell you so that maybe someday, somehow, you might feel like it's okay to be fighting a battle of your own. I have been fighting this for most of my life. I just recently started with the medication. The truth is, my greatest help came from

Alma chapter 7:

11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

13 Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.


I know it's hard. But even without the Prozac...there's an answer.

How blessed we are to have the atonement of Jesus Christ to make us strong! Christ experienced all of these things so that we can be succored.

I guess that's all for now. Just some food for thought.

Remember that time I was a chipmunk?

So...I have been tagged by my friend, and I am supposed to tell you seven odd things about myself. I'll tell them quickly, as I have already shared my unspectacular quirks.

1. I always peel the chocolate off of the outside of a ho-ho and eat it first. Then I unroll it and eat it.

2. I regularly end my sentences with the word, "Huh?"

3. I didn't know until fairly recently that the word piano has 3 syllables. Apparently I've been saying it wrong for years. Also...garage is not pronounced, "Grodge." Thought you should know.

4. I really enjoy changing my handwriting.

5. I love taking pictures of myself. I feel like it's more accurate than a mirror.

6. I hate the sound of metal silverware scraping the bottom of a plate or bowl that is not plastic. I endure it only for the last little bit of ice cream.

7. I don't necessarily think my clothes always have to match.



Now. On to the important stuff.

I'm getting married in darn near 6 months. Suddenly today I started FREAKING OUT about all of the work that still needs to be done. All help is welcome! Tips, ideas, manpower.... the list goes on!

Last week I was blessed with an infection around one of my wisdom teeth. It began as a nagging pain and a little bit of swelling, and as the week progressed, my face got bigger, the pain got more severe...and $166 later, I had a visit with an oral surgeon who told me I was infected and I was well on my way to recover with a mouth rinse, penicillin, and VICODIN. The Vicodin saved my life last week.

I have been promoted at build-a-bear. I'm now an associate store manager in three different stores, one of them happens to be the "Gapper" store in the Reds stadium. The others are Kenwood and Florence. :) Come visit!

This has been a huge blessing for me, because I have been struggling with this work thing for quite some time. Trying to figure out how things are going to work out. I've taken a little bit of a pay cut since I left the preschool, but I think that it will be for the best. I happen to love this job, and don't mind waking up and going to work. The preschool job left me wanting to stay in bed all day long.

"Realizing that you see others in an imperfect light will make you likely to be a little more generous in what you say."

President Henry B. Eyring

This quote hit me with some force as I re-read President Eyring's talk, "Our Hearts Knit as One" the other day. I realized that all too often, I am guilty of not saying enough good about others. I have held myself highly in a position of indifference...not creating discord, but not creating any unity either. So here's the thing...what if we all wrote some good things about people in the ward? How much more unified could we feel?

So here's what I propose: I'm going to say some things about a couple of people. I'm not going to mention your names, but you should know who you are. Then, you say some things about a couple of other people. It's like the reverse of gossip...because it's all good. What do you think?



First, I'd like to mention a dear sister from the ward who was my young women's president some time ago. Things had taken a sour turn for me, and I wasn't attending YW anymore. I was unhappy, and I felt very alone and unwelcome. She was called as the president, and it seems, she took every effort to make sure I felt loved. It worked. I returned to YW, I attended mutual, and I became much stronger and happier as a result. I felt the love of the Lord...through her. She has been one of those guardian angels to me that Elder Holland was talking about.

Second, let me tell you about my sister. (I guess I ruin the not dropping names thing here...) She is beautiful, talented, loving, and compassionate, just to name a few of her awesome traits. She's always been a mom to me, and is the person I run to when I don't have a recipe for something, or if I need to get something off my chest. She's the mother of my 2.5 beautiful nieces, and the greatest example I've ever had in my life.

Now...

It's your turn. Who can you say kind things about?

Oh yeah, and my wonderful, wonderful, super-talented, handsome, funny, strong, loving fiance. :) He created the new thing for the top of my blog :)

In case you didn't know by the name of the blog...

I really am getting married. And soon. Just kidding...it's not really SOON, but in honor of the 200 day mark in our countdown, I'd like to show you all the fabulous picture of my dress!



Christopher and I were shopping around in the Reading bridal district, and happened upon a store whose owner I'd been e-mailing. She had told me that she had one modest dress in the store. So...we went in. I tried it on. I almost cried. It was perfect. I was in love. Well...it cost $750. She told me that if I bought it off the rack that day, that she would take $250 off of it. I didn't have $500 to spend that day, so do you know what?

Christopher bought it for me. My wedding dress. :)


I'm trying to decide on my wedding hair. I'm thinking plain and simple.

What do you guys think about veils? Tiaras?

Just another beautiful Sunday...

Today was one of the most beautiful Sundays I've experienced in a LONG time. Don't get me wrong, I love Sundays...this one was just markedly special.

First of all, I got to sit in the pew just ahead of my family, and it was the first time in a LONG time I've seen my dad sit with the family.


Emily came up and sat with me for a little bit and played with my keychains for a while. One of the keychains has a picture of the Salt Lake Temple. Emily kept saying, "Temple, Aikey, Temple! Going there some DAY!" I said, "To feel the holy Spirit, to listen and to..." She looked up at me with her big bright eyes and said, "PRAY!" It's so beautiful to see the light shining in the eyes of little children!

Which leads me to the other awesome experience I had today. We talked about being reverent in Sunbeams today, and my kids were priceless. There was a new boy in the class, and he's much much younger than the other children. He didn't really know how to be reverent, and was really struggling. Talking when the other kids were talking, and getting up out of his chair and playing. I taught the kids in the class that if someone who is new at church doesn't know how to be reverent, the best thing we can do is show them our best example of being reverent. They were ANGELS today! I can't describe to you how amazingly reverent they were today. We went on a reverence walk through the church, and I sat them in the back pew of the chapel. I told them a story about being reverent, and they seemed to understand it perfectly. I taught them that they were showing Heavenly Father that they love him when they are reverent. They seemed to get that pretty well.

So then we talked a little bit about how they know Heavenly Father loves them. Here are what some of the kids said,

Me: Luke, how do you know Heavenly Father loves you?
Luke: "He helps me be good!"

Me: Olivia, how do you know that Heavenly Father Loves you?
Olivia: My family told me. I believe them.

Me: Connor, how do you know Heavenly Father loves you?
Connor: Because it's true.
Me: How do you know?
Connor: I just do.

How simple is that faith! They're so beautiful. Thank you for letting me teach your children on Sundays. :) They really brighten up my week!

Christopher and I went for a walk this evening. The weather is BEAUTIFUL! It's my favorite time of year. :) We had fun talking about the last 9 months or so, and the incredible journey we've been on since he was baptized. I'll have to share it with you sometime. :)

If you blog it....

they will come.

So I recently installed google analytics to my blog. I'm fascinated. Absolutely, entirely, unnaturally fascinated.

So today I left work at my fabulous part-time job-
Oh Build-a-Bear...how I love you. Let me tell you what I experienced at work yesterday. We launched two new animals. Their names are Hal and Holly moose. They're Christmas animals, and they're adorable. ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE. now....because I work for the company, I will tell you that you can order them here. For some reason, I feel obligated to tell you that.

Are these guys cute or what?!



I'm in love with them, and quite frankly, wish I could have them. There are also miniature versions of them that the kids call "baby moose." Now...let me tell you why these are animals of interest. They cost $18 a piece. For just the animals. But in the last 2 days, I have seen 2 or more transactions leave the store totaling OVER $100. ONLY IN CHRISTMAS PRODUCTS! I'm outraged!! I thought there was an economic crisis! Don't get me wrong....I love the store. I love the products, and I wish I could have all of them...I simply wonder....how can anyone afford them these days? What are they doing for a living?

Well... one little girl who did a little extra begging....left the store with two moose, the book that goes with them (it's free with the purchase of the two animals), several outfits, pajamas, babies, and shoes. Each moose also included a $4 Jingle Bell Rock sound...and her total was...get this...



$180.


People. They're stuffed animals.

I love my job. I need another though. Does anyone know of any possibilities for part-time or full-time work for me?

I guess I feel like I should say something...

I voted for the first time yesterday. I would like to detail for you my experience. Okay....just kidding. it's not for you, it's for my posterity!

...like my kids will ever want to go back and read some ancient communication like a "Blog...."

As I said a moment ago, I voted for the first time yesterday. I was terrified. I have spent the last few months thoroughly researching the candidates and the issues, and couldn't for the life of me make a decision. So...I prayed. And I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed. Then...I prayed and wrote down my concerns before I studied my scriptures Monday night. And I prayed some more. I still didn't have an answer.

On Tuesday morning, I was still worried because I wasn't sure who I was going to vote for. I prayed some more, and eventually, I felt at peace. I hadn't made a decision, but I felt like I was ready. I drove to South, and stepped out of my car. I walked up the long sidewalk to the school and.....



oh wait...

I have to sidebar this story, because it amused me. I purposefully did not vote for the judge that was standing on the sidewalk up to the school because he was arrogant, AND he was standing too close to the polls. I would have scribbled out his name if the computer allowed it.


Anyway...I walked up the looooooong sidewalk to the school, waited in line for what seemed like an eternity... just kidding, I waited in line for all of thirty seconds... and then I walked to my voting booth. I inserted my card, and instantly felt guilty...like I was spending money I shouldn't. Hahaha...it was like a credit card, you have to admit.



Anyway...the presidential candidates come up on the screen. I stare at them for a few seconds, and then I find myself pressing the box next to the name "John McCain." I finished voting, pressed to go to the next page, and a flood of emotion hit me. I knew I'd done the right thing.



Now...I'm not saying the right thing to do was to vote for McCain. I don't know if it was or not. In all actuality, it doesn't even matter. Obama is now the President Elect. I'm okay with that too. But what I did, was give it my all. I did my research. I said my prayers. I voted where my heart was. I agreed mostly with McCain's morals, and I felt like when push came to shove and I didn't want to vote for either...so I voted based on morals.

I feel good about it.

I also voted for Ken Keith. He smiles and waves a lot. Puts me in a good mood every time I see him on the corner.

So for the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE, I was part of something massively historic. I voted against the first African-American president. Well, really....I canceled out Christopher's vote. Such is life. ;-)


In other news, tomorrow is Christopher's birthday. You oughtta tell him happy birthday and stuff. :) Maybe he'll start blogging.

So I've been tagged....

and seeing as I haven't visited Blogger in a little while, I think it may be time to jump back on the bandwagon. I don't write very much, but in the spirit of the leaves changing colors, I think I'll start up again. Did you miss me?

I've been tagged by Patty, and I guess I should be glad for this opportunity....

MY unspectacular quirks.


Here are the rules:
1.Link to the person who tagged you
2.Mention the rules on your blog
3.Tell 6 unspectacular quirks about you
4.Tag 6 following bloggers by linking to them
5.Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger's blogs letting them know they've been tagged.


1. I am obsessed with smelling good.

Guilty of spending too much on that perfume that I just MUST have? You can bet your money on it. I can't bet mine, because truth is...I've already spent it. Right now...Betsey Johnson (The default) and Hanae Mori, which is brand new, and I'm unhealthily obsessed with smelling myself. Once upon a time, someone who was giving me a makeover asked me what perfume I wore, and my answer was, "...uhh..." needless to say, that never happened again! I tried perfume once, and I was hooked forever. Once, I actually turned around and went back home to put perfume on because I felt naked without it.

2. I'd rather die than leave the house with my hair not fixed.

When I turned eleven, my hair started growing. Not in length...in depth and width. I didn't know what it meant, all I knew was that my mom insisted that I blow it dry every day, and I ended up looking mostly like a cross between a christmas tree and a poodle. By the end of the vulnerable seventh grade, I felt like the biggest fool in the world, and decided to try what all my friends called, "Scrunching." Guess what? Where my greasy looking sorry curls were supposed to be, there were beautiful spirals. And my curly hair was born. As high school wore on, I began to learn how to fix my hair. Straight, curly, braided...it was all possible, if I wasn't trying to wake up at 4:00 in the morning to fix it before seminary. So...My hair stayed in a ponytail until I was about 20. Then I learned that I was darn good at fixing my hair, and that I could make myself look put together in 90 minutes or less.

3. If I'm barefoot, I go out of my way to walk in a puddle, because I love the way my footprints look.

This summer, this quirk was pointed out to me. Christopher and I got out of the pool, and I walked in a loooooooong circle around my towel before I picked it up and dried off. Not because I felt like my good looking body needed to be ogled in my bathing suit...haha...but while amusedly watching my footprints. Then I made Christopher walk in front of me so that I could see his footprints too. This was even more amusing to me, because I have reeeeeeallly high arches, and he has flat feet...so his footprints are rectangles and mine are shaped like the letter "C." Amusing. :)

4. The first time it snows, I always walk outside barefoot.

I've done this since I was a little girl, and I don't know that I'll ever stop. It's something about the first time that shocking wet cold appears in the winter....and enjoying every single moment of it. Snow has always felt like Heavenly Father's gift for me...wrapped up and gifted with a sparkling bow with a tag that says, "Adrienne, Everyone else hates this stuff, but I know it's making you feel better. Love, Heavenly Father."

5. I love makeup.

I almost never leave the house without makeup on either. Not because I hate the way I look without it, but because I actually ENJOY putting it on. It makes me feel put-together. Makes me feel ready to conquer. I had a friend whose sister died, and after a few days of crying in her room, her grandma came in and said, "Put on some lipstick and face the world." Something seriously true about that statement. I'm not selling out to the makeup conglomerates, I actually...like it.

6. I like...no...LOVE to read.

You know those weird little kids who go to bed and get caught several hours later with a flashlight on under the covers reading? That's me. I don't care what it is. The cereal box. The air sickness bag....I love to read. I used to pretend to be asleep with my light on in my bedroom when I was little so that I wouldn't get in trouble for being up reading. The only difference between then and now is that I don't have anyone making sure that I go to bed... so clearly I don't get enough sleep.



I tag:
1. Julie
2. Caiti
3. Scott
4. Maura
5. Michelle J
6. Christopher

Look what I made! :)

Create your own family sticker graphic at pYzam.com

The truth is...

I'm going to be honest.

I'm not going to keep pretending like life is perfect right now, because it isn't.

I'm stressed.

I've been sick for over a month.

I've been in and out of the doctor, with lots of needles put in my arms.

I quit my job.

I feel like I'm letting people down.

I need a new job.




So that's where it all begins. It's been a hard little while for me. Don't get me wrong, I have lots of blessings...but there comes a point where I really am just tired of keeping up my facade everywhere. So I'm letting it down for a moment. I'm STRESSED. Even angry sometimes. More than once, I have wanted to throw things, scream, or just curl up and cry.

I know everyone's lives are hard from time to time, but what consolation is that when all I have energy to think about right now is how I'm going to get out of this predicament?

Anyway...if you have heard of any job openings, I would love to hear about them.


(I will be working part-time at Build-a-bear in Kenwood.)