Dear Spoiled Mother of Four,

I don't want to work for you anymore.  I don't like the environment in your home, I don't like the way I'm expected to be the maid, I don't like being bossed around by seven-year-olds, and I don't particularly like the food you make.  I think I'd rather work a 9-5 sitting behind a desk, bored to tears, wanting to rip my eyeballs out from looking at a computer screen for so long, and getting home for dinner on time.  

I used to like you, or so I thought.  Then I discovered that I'd rather not be treated like a maid and a nanny all rolled into one.  You don't pay me enough for that.  Would you like to make it $20/hour? Then I might be on board. 

I've begun applying for jobs at pre-schools in the area.  I think I have a shot, and my dad asked me to get a job where I could smile.  I think there's something to that.  

Please don't be offended, Spoiled Mother of Four, it's nothing personal, I just don't like you anymore.

Sincerely,

Adrienne

Dear Basement,

I'm not happy with the way you've been behaving lately.  The truth is, some places would be glad to see seven inches of rain...and maybe you were, but you certainly didn't show it well.  It was highly inconsiderate of you to leak in every single room.  If I did that, people would not be happy with me!  

Thanks for helping us see that we have way too much junk.  I guess we needed that.  Maybe we could have a garage sale, get rid of all the crap.  

You've been so kind to me for so long, I guess I couldn't expect ten years without so much as a drip.  I've been fiercely angry with you for the last couple of days, but now, I think I'm coming around...don't be mad when I put my carpet back in, and try to set up a bed...it's just that Ethan and me BOTH sleeping in the living room is terribly tragic.  His alarm DOES go off 5 times in the morning.  As in there are 5 DIFFERENT alarms.  Yeah.  So I haven't had a whole night's sleep.  I guess what I'm saying is, I miss you, Basement, the way that you were.  

Love,

Adrienne

Dear Fairfield,

I'm home.  Did I neglect to mention that before?  Well, I am.  And I really REALLY have taken up blogging, because I'm attending the family ward here, and it seems that that's the way to be cool in the ward.   I'm aware that I'm 21 and not married.  Do you think this is going to stop me? NO! You see, I'm doing what's the best thing for me right now, but I'd really like to have some friends here. I've never been in a family ward Relief Society before.  

I've also noticed, dear Fairfield, that you've hardly changed.  When I got back, I almost instantly felt that I was in high school again.  Am I sad about that?  No...I still love you just as much as I always have...most of the time.  The thing I'm concerned about though, is that your drama hasn't changed either.  I'm fortunate enough to have a brother, you may have met him...he's been around for 18 years... and so I get to hear the drama that comes from the hallowed walls of FHS.  Well, the thing is...the drama included, it feels more like home than ever before.  

Now there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about.  This weather just isn't working for me.  I understand that you're trying your best to make everyone happy, but the truth is, I think you're going a little overboard to please those on the extremes...I mean blizzard? Honestly.  That was uncalled for.  Thanks for balancing it out with days of rain.  I appreciate that more than you know.  Could we please see the sun? Please?

Well, if you could arrange it, I'm sure I wouldn't mind.  Thanks for being consistent and comfortable.  I've missed you, and I'm glad to be back.

Thank you Fairfield, for being you.

Love,

Adrienne

100 things about me.

1. I try to pretend I don't like writing in a Blog.
2. I have three blogs.
3. I don't write in my regular journal as much as I wish I did.
4. Sometimes I don't feel like the things that are going on in my life are important enough to write down.
5. Sometimes I realize that the most important things that have ever happened in my life are happening right now.
6. I love my life.
7. That doesn't mean it's easy.
8. I have a love/hate relationship with my job.
9. I'm a nanny...and have been for the last few years.
10. The first time I took a nanny job, my dad was really mad at me.
11. He bragged about that same job to a neighbor 2 days ago.
12. 2 days ago was the first time I ever remember being in a blizzard warning.
13. I used to love snow more than anything.
14. Now I can't wait for Summer.
15. I used to hate Summer.
16. Then I lost 65 lbs.
17. Now I don't feel like the fattest girl at the pool.
18. Now I love the pool.
19. So I love the Summer.
20. I can't wait to get a new bathing suit.
21. I need to get in shape...Spring is still coming, even though we got a foot of snow...
22. I hate dieting.
23. I love losing weight.
24. I always feel bad about myself when I notice that I'm gaining weight.
25. I have a hard time getting motivated to do things sometimes.
26. My room is a wreck, but I still haven't cleaned it.
27. I have more clothes than any person should have.
28. I don't wear most of them.
29. I also have more shoes than I should.
30. I love shoes.
31. I never feel fat while buying shoes.
32. I used to be afraid to wear heels because I felt like a monster.
33. Now I don't feel like a monster.
34. Sometimes I actually feel beautiful.
35. Mostly when my hair is straight.
36. My hair is naturally curly.
37. Sometimes I love my curls, but I feel like people don't take me seriously if my hair is curly.
38. Maybe because I look like Curly Sue.
39. I had a girl scout leader named Sue.
40. I was a girl scout for years, but never sold cookies by myself.
41. I did sell cookies outside a bank with my troop members.
42. Very few girls I've been friends with since before middle school were outside of the GS troop.
43. I always wish I hadn't quit girl scouts when I did.
44. There are lots of things I wish I'd never quit.
45. I quit dance after years.
46. I also quit piano.
47. I am a little talented at a lot of things.
48. I've always wished I was very talented at something.
49. The only thing I've found is loving children.
50. I can't wait to have kids of my own.
51. I'm terrified of growing up.
52. I don't want to be treated like a child.
53. I moved back into my parents' house.
54. Sometimes I feel like I child
55. Sometimes I act like a child.
56. and sometimes...I like it.
57. I have a boyfriend.
58. He acts like a child with me.
59. That's the most fun part of our relationship.
60. We went to elementary school together.
61. We went back to said elementary school, and he pushed me on the swings.
62. With him, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
63. And I believe that I really am.
64. I'm also lucky to have such a great family.
65. Sometimes I forget to look at my parents as real people.
66. When I realize they are, I love them even more than before.
67. My sister has always been a mom to me.
68. I don't thank her enough for that.
69. I trust her more than any other girl in the world.
70. I secretly think that most babies are ugly when they're born.
71. Not my nieces.
72. I rarely get enough sleep.
73. This is not because I have important things to be doing.
74. Some of the best conversations in my life have happened at 4 AM.
75. I wouldn't trade my "conversations" for the world.
76. I love talking to people.
77. Sometimes I consider this a talent.
78. Sometimes I don't think I have any talents at all.
79. ...and I wish I wasn't insecure.
80. I am insecure.
81. I used to get made fun of.
82. That doesn't happen anymore.
83. At least not that I know of.
84. People started treating me differently when I lost weight.
85. I noticed it.
86. I liked it for a while.
87. Then I wasn't sure if anyone knew who I really was.
88. Then I wasn't sure if I really knew who I was.
89. I didn't start trying to figure out what it meant to be me until college.
90. I am currently a college drop-out.
91. I'm not embarrassed about that.
92. I hate sitting in classrooms.
93. I've always wanted to do hair.
94. But I've always wanted to change the world.
95. I haven't figured out how to.
96. I have a passion for American Sign Language.
97. This has not helped me accomplish anything worthwhile.
98. I'm proud of myself.
99. Sometimes I feel like I'm really weak.
100. But the thing is... I feel strong.

Useless.

The worst feeling in the whole wide world is to feel useless. Like nothing you could do would make a difference.

When someone you love works for years trying to achieve something, and then doesn't...and they're hurting, and you're frustrated...because you're useless.

When you're miles away from someone that you want to be able to console...and you can't. You're useless.


It's terrifying sometimes living more than a thousand miles away from all of the people that mean the most to me in my life. The distance makes it so difficult to feel helpful or worthwhile sometimes. Once again, useless.









...and then I find myself wondering what I'm really doing with my life. What are my goals? What am I becoming? Well, I'm not really sure...so once again, I feel useless. Awesome.






The truth is, I'm tired. I'm burnt out. I don't like Build-a-bear anymore, as a manager I barely get to play with the kids. I have two wisdom teeth coming in, and not only do they hurt in my mouth, but I constantly have a headache. I have no idea what I'm doing...and I just need a hug. Awesome.

Junk food, Candy canes and love.

So this isn't a new year's resolution...in fact, it's far from it. I don't make those.

I'm going to stop eating so much junk food. Why? Because I just got back to Provo, and realized that I've eaten nothing but crap for the last three weeks...and that is nauseating. So I'll stop eating junk as soon as I finish the little debbie holiday cake that is on my coffee table.

I just finished the most bizarre vacation of my entire life. I probably made some people mad, but I was doing what I felt was best for me. Selfish? Yes. But hey...that's part of being human...! Not to worry, I'm sure that I'll be back soon. Positive, really. Not a lot tying me down in Provo right now since I'm not doing the BYU thing right now. My job is great, but I'm sure there are better things out there. We'll see what happens. It's a big decision to make.

Caution: You are about to enter the heart of what is really on my mind. If you don't want to know, then stop reading now.

All my life, or at least all of my life that I can remember, I have struggled with feeling that I am good enough. I've always been second best. I didn't make Rhythm Express the first time. I didn't make Wind Ensemble. Didn't make Choraliers the first time. Never had a lead in a musical. Was second best and walked all over in high school relationships. I always felt like there was something or someone that was better than me, whether in school, relationships, or family.

Not anymore. Granted, I know I'll never be perfect...but still...I finally, and for the first time in my life, feel like I am important. This has been a process. I had to spend some time in serious introspection. I had to spend countless nights crying and praying that I would be able to recognize my worth and potential. I'm not all the way there, but slowly, it's happening. I am starting to see that it doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks.

Then...something magical happened. As I worked to become a better version of myself, someone wonderful inched his way into my life...and now...I don't feel second best. Maybe it's because I like me now. Maybe it's because he likes me...or maybe it's just because life is wonderful and I've been very blessed. Whatever the reason is, I like it. A lot.

Mixed Emotions.

The end of a semester is bittersweet. Always. Especially this one. Forget about school. If you thought that's what I was going to write about, I'm pretty sure you don't know me. At all.

It feels like every couple of months, everyone in Provo reaches a pivotal moment in his or her life. This is another one of those. Some of my friends are graduating, some of them are going away for internships. Some of the people I care the most about are actually leaving, but even more distressing...

some of them are already gone. As far as friendships go anyway. I don't know what causes someone to abandon a friend, but when it happens, regardless of the circumstance, it's unsettling. Nobody likes to be left behind. Nobody wants to be hurt, and everyone needs to know that somewhere there is someone who cares about them.

I've been reading an outstanding book...and Stephenie Meyers is my hero. Stay tuned for my ramblings and thoughts on teenage love.

Who do you think you are?

******************begin rant************************



Who are you? Who are you to tell me what I will and won't do? Who are you to be disappointed in me because I'm not doing what you think I should? Who are you to tell me that I won't ever accomplish anything? What makes you think it's okay to tell me what will or will not become of me? What makes you think it's your place to tell me what to do at all?

You're not going to change my mind.

Know why? Because I don't care. I don't care what you think. Know why I don't care? Because for the first time in my life, I am doing what I want to do, and I know better than you do.

I know what I like, I know what I don't like. I know what makes me happy, and I know what makes me miserable. Beyond that, I am breaking the mold.





No. I will never be Fairfield's teacher of the year.
No. I will not be a distinguished holder of a PhD.
No. I will not become an accomplished scholar.


But you know what?

I will be happy.
I will be doing what I want to do.
I will live where I want.
I will make my own decisions.
I will have a mind of my own.
I will be who I want to be.



And that is more than you can ever say for yourself.



Take that, old woman.



************************end rant******************************

My thoughts on blogging, heck, actually just my thoughts.

Let me tell you about my blog:


I don't advertise it. I don't ask people to read it (Except, of course, for Sarah). I don't censor it. So...here's the good, the bad, and the ugly. Some of my deepest thoughts, my dumbest fears, and beyond all that, exactly what I think. EXACTLY.

This reminds me of something that happened last night. I was getting ready for my date with a guy in my ward named Adam. I put on something that I would normally wear, being a short dress with a turtle neck underneath, and skinny jeans. Because my hair was greasy, I knew I had to put it in a ponytail. As a result of the hair in a ponytail and turtleneck, I knew I wouldn't look like a girl unless I was wearing earrings. Now...I have these massive gold earrings. If you haven't seen them, you will. I love them. They were $3.00 at forever 21, and have already paid for themselves in wear. Good thing, since I usually lose my earrings. I went out to talk to my roommate Natalie for a minute and she said, "Are you sure you want to wear those? They might scare him...he seems like kind of a small-town guy." At this point, something inside me snapped and I said, "You know what, Natalie? I don't care. I don't care what he thinks. I'm going to wear what I want, and tonight, he's going to get to know me."

What a novel idea! Usually when I go on a date, I put hours into deciding what I'm going to wear, how I'll fix my hair, trying to make sure I will impress the person I intend to spend my evening with. I even do it with some of my friends. "What will Scott think of this?" is not an unusual thought for me. Not anymore. I was comfortable last night, because for my date...I went as me.

Sounds like halloween, doesn't it? "What are you going as, Adrienne?" "Good question. Tonight, I'm going as Molly Mormon!" Sometimes I'm guilty of straightening my hair before I go on a date, because I don't want to scare anyone. I guess what I'm saying is...

I don't care anymore. Or at least I'm working on it. Working on not caring.
Because here's the thing. I care what other people think. Once one of my closest friends said to me, "Adrienne, it's about where your confidence lies. If you have confidence in who you really are, then it won't matter what anyone else says." He's right. (He said that almost a year ago...and I think it might just now be sinking in...)


It's a hard time. I'm trying to learn how to make the best of all of this, but I'm not really sure how.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart...
the waking up is the hardest part.

Goals.

Last night I was talking to a friend about goals. We were talking about life, and where we were going with it. This is what I said:

"If you aren't actively engaged in acheiving your goal, you will get wherever you are already going."

He told me I wasn't making any sense.

So I explained.

If I want to be an acrobat... (Just let it happen) If I want to be an acrobat in 5 years, I need to start training right now. I need to eat right, I need to exercise regularly, I need to be strength training and working on flexibility daily. If I don't do those things every single day, whose fault will it be if I'm not an acrobat in 5 years?
What I will become, on the other hand, is all of the things I am already on the path to become. I will become a good manager at build a bear. I will become really good at communicating on the telephone. I will become a whole laundry list of things...that I am already on the path to becoming...if I don't change anything. The real question is this...which of those things do I really want to become? Which habits do I want to keep? Which habits do I want to add?

Who do I want to become?

So it's almost 2008. Goal-setting time.


In other news, I'm buying a plane ticket today. I can't wait to go home. SERIOUSLY.