Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Mixed Emotions.

The end of a semester is bittersweet. Always. Especially this one. Forget about school. If you thought that's what I was going to write about, I'm pretty sure you don't know me. At all.

It feels like every couple of months, everyone in Provo reaches a pivotal moment in his or her life. This is another one of those. Some of my friends are graduating, some of them are going away for internships. Some of the people I care the most about are actually leaving, but even more distressing...

some of them are already gone. As far as friendships go anyway. I don't know what causes someone to abandon a friend, but when it happens, regardless of the circumstance, it's unsettling. Nobody likes to be left behind. Nobody wants to be hurt, and everyone needs to know that somewhere there is someone who cares about them.

I've been reading an outstanding book...and Stephenie Meyers is my hero. Stay tuned for my ramblings and thoughts on teenage love.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Who do you think you are?

******************begin rant************************

Who are you? Who are you to tell me what I will and won't do? Who are you to be disappointed in me because I'm not doing what you think I should? Who are you to tell me that I won't ever accomplish anything? What makes you think it's okay to tell me what will or will not become of me? What makes you think it's your place to tell me what to do at all?

You're not going to change my mind.

Know why? Because I don't care. I don't care what you think. Know why I don't care? Because for the first time in my life, I am doing what I want to do, and I know better than you do.

I know what I like, I know what I don't like. I know what makes me happy, and I know what makes me miserable. Beyond that, I am breaking the mold.

No. I will never be Fairfield's teacher of the year.
No. I will not be a distinguished holder of a PhD.
No. I will not become an accomplished scholar.

But you know what?

I will be happy.
I will be doing what I want to do.
I will live where I want.
I will make my own decisions.
I will have a mind of my own.
I will be who I want to be.

And that is more than you can ever say for yourself.

Take that, old woman.

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My thoughts on blogging, heck, actually just my thoughts.

Let me tell you about my blog:

I don't advertise it. I don't ask people to read it (Except, of course, for Sarah). I don't censor it. So...here's the good, the bad, and the ugly. Some of my deepest thoughts, my dumbest fears, and beyond all that, exactly what I think. EXACTLY.

This reminds me of something that happened last night. I was getting ready for my date with a guy in my ward named Adam. I put on something that I would normally wear, being a short dress with a turtle neck underneath, and skinny jeans. Because my hair was greasy, I knew I had to put it in a ponytail. As a result of the hair in a ponytail and turtleneck, I knew I wouldn't look like a girl unless I was wearing earrings. Now...I have these massive gold earrings. If you haven't seen them, you will. I love them. They were $3.00 at forever 21, and have already paid for themselves in wear. Good thing, since I usually lose my earrings. I went out to talk to my roommate Natalie for a minute and she said, "Are you sure you want to wear those? They might scare him...he seems like kind of a small-town guy." At this point, something inside me snapped and I said, "You know what, Natalie? I don't care. I don't care what he thinks. I'm going to wear what I want, and tonight, he's going to get to know me."

What a novel idea! Usually when I go on a date, I put hours into deciding what I'm going to wear, how I'll fix my hair, trying to make sure I will impress the person I intend to spend my evening with. I even do it with some of my friends. "What will Scott think of this?" is not an unusual thought for me. Not anymore. I was comfortable last night, because for my date...I went as me.

Sounds like halloween, doesn't it? "What are you going as, Adrienne?" "Good question. Tonight, I'm going as Molly Mormon!" Sometimes I'm guilty of straightening my hair before I go on a date, because I don't want to scare anyone. I guess what I'm saying is...

I don't care anymore. Or at least I'm working on it. Working on not caring.
Because here's the thing. I care what other people think. Once one of my closest friends said to me, "Adrienne, it's about where your confidence lies. If you have confidence in who you really are, then it won't matter what anyone else says." He's right. (He said that almost a year ago...and I think it might just now be sinking in...)

It's a hard time. I'm trying to learn how to make the best of all of this, but I'm not really sure how.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart...
the waking up is the hardest part.

Monday, December 10, 2007


Last night I was talking to a friend about goals. We were talking about life, and where we were going with it. This is what I said:

"If you aren't actively engaged in acheiving your goal, you will get wherever you are already going."

He told me I wasn't making any sense.

So I explained.

If I want to be an acrobat... (Just let it happen) If I want to be an acrobat in 5 years, I need to start training right now. I need to eat right, I need to exercise regularly, I need to be strength training and working on flexibility daily. If I don't do those things every single day, whose fault will it be if I'm not an acrobat in 5 years?
What I will become, on the other hand, is all of the things I am already on the path to become. I will become a good manager at build a bear. I will become really good at communicating on the telephone. I will become a whole laundry list of things...that I am already on the path to becoming...if I don't change anything. The real question is this...which of those things do I really want to become? Which habits do I want to keep? Which habits do I want to add?

Who do I want to become?

So it's almost 2008. Goal-setting time.

In other news, I'm buying a plane ticket today. I can't wait to go home. SERIOUSLY.